the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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