wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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