at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
