hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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