My liver just broke up with me...
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
