Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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