Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
