I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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