So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
