Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.