I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme