nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
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then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
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You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days