guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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