He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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