it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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