glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
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i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
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Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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