I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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