No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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