woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
