I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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