If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
