Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
