I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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