i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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