I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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