Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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