I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
