Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
