yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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