Sober January is a disaster.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Sext me about skeletons
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos