Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
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i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
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Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?