I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
