Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.