Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
