aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.