Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
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