He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
