the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
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This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
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How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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