Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
