I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize
