woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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