I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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