btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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