Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
the condom got lost in my hair
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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