life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
