i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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