Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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