I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
