i need an iv and a liver transplant
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
