All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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