I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
