why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
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He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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