Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
