I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
