Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
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