How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
