Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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