She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Randomize
