You're completely useless in the revolution.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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