Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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