Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
