The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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