I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
