Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
