Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
